Owed Sex? A Meandering Ramble

Posted: July 23, 2014 in feminism, fuckery
Tags: ,

So I’m sure that everyone has read about the woman on Reddit who posted a spreadsheet from her husband listing the number of times he tried to initiate sex with her and her “excuses” for turning him down. Of course, there has been a ton of hay made of it, from the side of “Wow, this guy’s a total prize” and from the side of “Grrr, why lady deny man pussy?”*

Nevermind that he gave this to her as she was leaving for a business trip.

Nevermind that at the time of the posting, he didn’t return her calls.

Nevermind she posted this on /r/relationships looking for advice.

According to a lot of dudes, the only way to fix this is for wifey to rush home and spread like a buffet.  Because otherwise, why bother getting hitched in the first place, right?  I mean, who needs companionship and love and caring, we’re only here for sex on tap, right.

Raging feminist that I am, just guess which side I’m on? Go on, guess.

No one owes you sex.  Not your spouse. Not your partner. Not even the one-night stand you just picked up. No one!

Cats and kittens, sex isn’t a thing you “give” to someone.  Years of nonsense abstinence training and religious brainwashing has turned what is a fun group activity into some sort of gift you give to another.  So, your first time is supposed to be all magic and wonderful and thus is supposed to be saved for marriage, right?  And of course, once you give up that gift, you can never give it again. These days, a lot of people have said FUCK THAT to those sort of teachings and have the premarital sex and so on, but the lessons stay burned in our social awareness so BS like” sex is something you can deny another” (and it’s usually a woman doing the denying to usually a man) is still common.

One more time for the cheap seats: Sex is not a thing that can be owed to you.  Not for dinner, not for a movie, not for a fucking wedding ring.

When I hear people talk about being denied in that way that screams that they are owed, my first thought always is “Man, sex must suck for your partner.” I mean, dayum, if all you want is something warm and wet, a Fleshlight or a dildo and some warming lube ought to do the trick (and if you do, no shame here.  Sex toys are for everyone here at Seriously!?). Hell, get yourself the prettiest Real Doll and go to town.  S/he’ll be ready willing and able whenever you get the urge and they never say “no”.

But if you want to have sex with another human, you gotta remember this human is a separate entity to themselves, with likes and dislikes and agency. And you aren’t owed sex by any human on this planet.  I mean, back to this guy, what would he actually want?  For his wife to just…let him have it no matter how she feels about things? Who gives a shit if she feels icky or gross or fat or unsexy, if the man wants his dick wet, she better just lay back and think of England?  I mean, women don’t really enjoy sex anyways, it’s just something we do to keep the men in our lives, right?

If that’s your angle, please consider the many sex toy options open to you, because you really shouldn’t be touching another sentient being, because that’s some medieval-style  rape culture encouraging bullshit. Sex is not something you “give” to others, it’s something you “do” together.  Both (or all) parties are active and engaged and giving a fuck about everyone’s pleasure.  If your partner is lacking in interest, it’s past time to USE. YOUR. WORDS.  TO TALK.

I read that spreadsheet and I see a woman who is busy, who maybe is having self-image issues, who doesn’t feel desirable. If she doesn’t feel sexy, pressure to just let his dick in her isn’t going to make that sexy happen. All of the guys clamoring to blame her for ‘denying’ her husband seem to just think once that ring gets slipped on, it’s hot sex on tap from here to death. If she doesn’t provide, you have the all clear to dump her or cheat.  So much for “for better or worse’, right?

And what does this say about other men?  The only thing they get out of marriage is sex?  They don’t require love or companionship or a pair of helping hands around the house.  And here I thought it was icky feminism made men look terrible.

I thought I had a good end to this ramble, but now I’m just too grossed out to even continue.



*I’m not being fair.  On. Purpose.  Because that side is fucking gross.

  1. The idea that a husband is “owed” sex is the flip side of the “there can be no marital rape” coin. It was only 1993 that North Carolina became the last U.S. state to remove the marital exemption to its rape laws. Amongst conservatives, fundamentalists and traditionalists/anti-feminists, this vile concept is unfortunately still very much alive. (E.g. here.)

  2. echo says:

    This post had me in TEARS!! Absolutely love this post. Oh, it’s my favorite response to this whole spreadsheet thing. Well done 😀