Posts Tagged ‘misogyny’

Bad, Bad, Bad, Bad Feminist

Posted: July 31, 2014 in feminism
Tags: , ,

Everyone’s got that one or more moment in their past they regret.  Bad haircuts, bad choice of partners, what the hell where we thinking when we wore that, and awful, awful beliefs about race, gender, politics, you name it.

Julia over at Secular Woman gathered a bunch of stories from members of the problematic beliefs we once held before we gather age and more than a few clues.  Here’s mine (typos and all!):

When I was in my late teens to late 20s, I was a triple threat; a Chill Girl, a the Token Non-threatening Black Friend, and a Poor Libertarian.

“Ugh, girls are icky, backstabbing, gossipy little twits who want accept me in their little club anyway.  And if they’re feminists? Please, buncha whiny girls who don’t have anything else to complain about. We got the fucking vote, right? You can own land and not have to get married to get laid.  If they’d just have sex like guys do, they’d be fine, right? Aren’t we supposed to all sex-positive?  That means fucking like the men! Don’t be such a prude!  I once read about some big name feminist named Dwakin, Dwo… whatever, who claimed that call heterosex is rape! Can you believe that shit? I’d never be a feminist.  I’m one of the boys! Bitch! Cocksucker! Cunt! Hah, hah rape jokes are so funny!”

“Man, black people are lazy whiners, I’d never be one of them!  I’m an Oreo, get it?  All of my white friends act blacker than me!  I don’t “do” black––unless it’s for a joke.  If you need someone to turn up the AAVE and act like an Angry Black Girl, I’m your girl!  Mm-hmm, sho’nuf. Slavery was, like, 300 years ago, we got the vote, and they need to get over it.  If I knew I got to college under Affirmative Action, I’d drop out.  I’d be offended; how dare they treat me like some number in a quota?  I got here all on my own, and fuck them other folk.  Oh, oh! I know this really funny joke: Why is aspirin white?”

“Yeah, I could qualify for food stamps, health care, maybe even some section 8 for a place to stay because I make minimum wage and I’ve got a chronic illness, but I’m not going to do that.  Nope.  I’m not some leech sucking the government teat.  I grew up on government cheese and projects and all that, and I’ll never stoop to that level again. I’ve got my pride.  None of my friends are on that mess. That’s just offensive that you would even suggest it! Leeches are the worst. Just you wait until the Libertarians gain more power. Everybody won’t pay a dime in taxes and we’ll shrink the government, and if you can afford to live, too bad!”

Yup, I existed in this world with those thoughts in my mind.  Quick, class, point out one example of nonsense in those words.  Extra points if you can find them all!

I did all of this nonsense, mostly to fit in, mostly due to the need to belong.  I spent most of my childhood being rejected, so when I was a young adult, well, I lashed out.  Fine, if I’m not Black enough, fuck you, I’ll be the biggest bestest Oreo in the whole wide world! I sucked at being a “girl”, fuck you, I’ll hate my own gender and all of the trappings involved! I’ll show you!

What changed?  Well, I grew up, and in growing up, I realized that no matter how ‘white’ I behaved, I was still Black, and society still treated me as such – especially when it was time to ‘perform’ a stereotype.  No matter how much I behaved like “one of the guys”, I was still perceived and treated as a woman (especially when my “friends” were horny). I was assaulted, insulted, offended, and smiled my way through it. Who wants to be the fun-killer in the group, right?

Then, I had enough. I wasn’t having fun anymore. So..I started being the fun-killer.  I lost friends, gained new ones, traveled with other friend who were going through that same changes. And now, I’m more me than I’ve ever been. And it feels great.  And looking back, I can’t help but smile a little through the cringing.

So I’m sure that everyone has read about the woman on Reddit who posted a spreadsheet from her husband listing the number of times he tried to initiate sex with her and her “excuses” for turning him down. Of course, there has been a ton of hay made of it, from the side of “Wow, this guy’s a total prize” and from the side of “Grrr, why lady deny man pussy?”*

Nevermind that he gave this to her as she was leaving for a business trip.

Nevermind that at the time of the posting, he didn’t return her calls.

Nevermind she posted this on /r/relationships looking for advice.

According to a lot of dudes, the only way to fix this is for wifey to rush home and spread like a buffet.  Because otherwise, why bother getting hitched in the first place, right?  I mean, who needs companionship and love and caring, we’re only here for sex on tap, right.

Raging feminist that I am, just guess which side I’m on? Go on, guess.

No one owes you sex.  Not your spouse. Not your partner. Not even the one-night stand you just picked up. No one!

Cats and kittens, sex isn’t a thing you “give” to someone.  Years of nonsense abstinence training and religious brainwashing has turned what is a fun group activity into some sort of gift you give to another.  So, your first time is supposed to be all magic and wonderful and thus is supposed to be saved for marriage, right?  And of course, once you give up that gift, you can never give it again. These days, a lot of people have said FUCK THAT to those sort of teachings and have the premarital sex and so on, but the lessons stay burned in our social awareness so BS like” sex is something you can deny another” (and it’s usually a woman doing the denying to usually a man) is still common.

One more time for the cheap seats: Sex is not a thing that can be owed to you.  Not for dinner, not for a movie, not for a fucking wedding ring.

When I hear people talk about being denied in that way that screams that they are owed, my first thought always is “Man, sex must suck for your partner.” I mean, dayum, if all you want is something warm and wet, a Fleshlight or a dildo and some warming lube ought to do the trick (and if you do, no shame here.  Sex toys are for everyone here at Seriously!?). Hell, get yourself the prettiest Real Doll and go to town.  S/he’ll be ready willing and able whenever you get the urge and they never say “no”.

But if you want to have sex with another human, you gotta remember this human is a separate entity to themselves, with likes and dislikes and agency. And you aren’t owed sex by any human on this planet.  I mean, back to this guy, what would he actually want?  For his wife to just…let him have it no matter how she feels about things? Who gives a shit if she feels icky or gross or fat or unsexy, if the man wants his dick wet, she better just lay back and think of England?  I mean, women don’t really enjoy sex anyways, it’s just something we do to keep the men in our lives, right?

If that’s your angle, please consider the many sex toy options open to you, because you really shouldn’t be touching another sentient being, because that’s some medieval-style  rape culture encouraging bullshit. Sex is not something you “give” to others, it’s something you “do” together.  Both (or all) parties are active and engaged and giving a fuck about everyone’s pleasure.  If your partner is lacking in interest, it’s past time to USE. YOUR. WORDS.  TO TALK.

I read that spreadsheet and I see a woman who is busy, who maybe is having self-image issues, who doesn’t feel desirable. If she doesn’t feel sexy, pressure to just let his dick in her isn’t going to make that sexy happen. All of the guys clamoring to blame her for ‘denying’ her husband seem to just think once that ring gets slipped on, it’s hot sex on tap from here to death. If she doesn’t provide, you have the all clear to dump her or cheat.  So much for “for better or worse’, right?

And what does this say about other men?  The only thing they get out of marriage is sex?  They don’t require love or companionship or a pair of helping hands around the house.  And here I thought it was icky feminism made men look terrible.

I thought I had a good end to this ramble, but now I’m just too grossed out to even continue.



*I’m not being fair.  On. Purpose.  Because that side is fucking gross.

So our merry band of morons have been more pushy considering the property line they are not supposed to cross.  Because Screw the Rules, I have Jesus.

“Good morning.  That is the first and last time you will hear that from me, so savor it.  Here we go:

Rule one: If you are an adult, I don’t like you.  I don’t care if you say that you “love me”; that’s creepy and you don’t know me.  I don’t care if your God loves me.  As a matter of fact, if you feel the need to tell me that, like you have the express line to God, I don’t like you even more.

Rule one point one: If you’re a kid and you’re here, I feel sorry for you.  There are better ways to spend a Saturday morning than being dragged to a clinic to wander with signs near pictures of medical waste.  Like the park near the clinic.

Rule two: Become familiar with the property line.  Tell your newbies.  Ignorance is no longer an excuse.  I WILL call the cops on your ass.

Rule three: We don’t have to talk to you.  For any reason.

Rule four: We can talk to anyone we want.  Deal.

Rule five: Don’t fucking LIE to us.  If you’re a protester, we’ll figure it the fuck out. We talk to each other.  We talk to our security guy.  The fucking ninth commandment?  Your rules. Not mine.

Rule Six: You are creepy, young or old.  If you bothered to think about it for five seconds, you would get that.  Complete strangers don’t owe you information about their bodies or medical condition.  Not that you would care.  I heard a woman was on the floor bawling after you dismissed her telling you her fetus’ lungs weren’t working.  You are shit.  Actually, let me make that a rule:

Rule Seven: You are shit.  The very thing you are doing is shitty and you are shit.  This is why you get the disdain you whine about.  But hey, that’s what gets you people going, I know.  You don’t give a fuck about babies, you just wanna get decent people pissed off so you can go home and wank (figuratively and/or literally) about how persecuted you are. We know your game.

(AKA: Femi just finished a first draft! Yay!)

Yeah, we get it movie reviewers, the Black Widow is a sexy lady in sexy outfits. Now what about her character?

Benevolent sexism?  Still sexism!

The ever-awesome Zinnia Jones continues to call out assimilationist transmisogyny with facts, truth, and interesting censor icons.

The Ferret challenges the concept of “Nobody can make you feel bad without your permission” and why it’s complete horseshit.

Since my clinic didn’t have Saturday hours this week, here’s Katie_Speak ‘s Dispatches from the Sidewalk

I couldn’t decide between two links from the newly renamed “We Hunted the Mammoth” (formerly ManBoobz), so here’s both: How not to hit on a girl part 50-11th and how one victim of harassment is being better than her harassers 


Have a great day, you guys.  I might go back to bed!